Just listened to a beautiful meditation on Insight Timer – Practicing Gentle Kindness Towards Ourself (https://insighttimer.com/sarahblondin/guided-meditations/practicing-gentle-kindness-toward-ourself). Talks about the light and dark, the shadows within us and how sometimes its difficult to break through these and be free to love ourselves unashamedly.
I feel like I am evolving further, I feel like I am standing alone, content, but unsure in a open white cracked desert. It’s not hot, its not cold. I have nothing around me. No trees, no water. There are mountains in the very, very far distance and no matter which way I start walking it all looks the same.
Whilst the pain of loneliness often eats at me, my hearts inner circle is beginning to get bigger. It’s almost a hands breath around me. My protective space that shields me from others and keeps me safe, previously was non-existing. Now I feel like I am walking with a red outline, my aura bright white within. My hair is streaming out behind me, I am in a white backless flowing gown. It feels soft and warm on my skin. I am here and I am alive.
Previously I felt like I am trying to break through the surface of the water, my nostrils frequently submerged as I am trying to catch my breath. Now however, I have broken through, I am on land and I am walking. Walking without a purpose, but walking. I am not weeping, I am not curled up on the ground, I am upright. I am walking. Where I may end up, I don’t know.
I know what I want for my future, but it seems as distant as the charcoal grey mountains in the distant. I don’t know how to reach it. I am fed up of being stuck, living, feeding month to month, waking up and realising this is my life. I have forced myself into another deadline of 5 years and now I see what my life will be if I continue on this path. Trapped, dark, miserable, grey, mundane. Who wants that? I want more, I need more, to feel alive, to feel the heat around me, to smell the crisp air, to taste the natural salt of the sea-breeze. I need to, as ever break through this boundary…and escape.