Hollow

So I don’t know why I keep doing this to myself

Is it strength or weakness?

I forgive

But so many people have taken advantage

Using my mistakes as some sort of leverage point

In my head I don’t feel worse or better

Just numb from the incessant arguments replayed in my head

The blame

The finger pointing

The accusations

If I recognise my mistakes and sincerely apologise and try to change, are my mistakes still punishable?

Or is it that others are so unforgiving and judgemental that no matter what I do, it will never be let go

Why can’t I see the differences, the abuse, the lack of reason, the effort I’ve put in as enough to say ‘hey that’s enough, I’m walking away’

Instead I go back

The pain is an addiction

And then I beat myself up for going back and being addicted

And then I look further back and see the reason

And then I drown myself in tears because I feel so emotionally damaged that I don’t know what good is. Why can’t people see that, get that and stop. Instead more accusations are hurled, forcing me to curl up, wither up and…

And my negative ego is like a black sticky monster dragging me back to whatever hellish situation I’m in to endure more pain and suffering because I don’t know anything less

And whilst my light is getting stronger, I feel ashamed for forgiving, for seeing he good, relaxing my boundaries, taking the blame for the sake of peace

Does he ever sit there and feel the weight of his mistakes? No, he will sit there and relish in the crying twisted mess I am and continue to point the finger and blame

And here I am sitting hollow and a wreck taking it all on my shoulders because I am a weak emotional mess

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