This weight in my chest

This heavy weight in my chest has taken a long time to shift

It has always been there

Sometimes it drags me down, further and deeper than the darkest of oceans

The chains of the anchor which is dragging me down, wraps tightly, heavily on my body.

So many times I’ve given into the dark, been consumed by it, flirted with it, made love to it.

Plagued with the idea of joining it…permanently.

I’ve reached one of my biggest goals to date, something I’ve driven myself toward, with so much fever, power and energy, I’ve left a wide open empty wake behind and within me.

Yet…one shackle from my wrist has been released.

And now, my hand is floating upwards to greet me, I don’t feel quite connected to it, I look at it, stare it, “What do I do with it?” 

Should I swim up, or stay still and float. Let the sea and the waves take me to my final destination?

Should I let all the creatures and monsters lurking beneath the surface take nibbles and huge chunks from my flesh whilst I float. After this, allowing the natural salt of the sea to bathe me, heal me, scar me.

Or should I take a deep breath and swim. Swim as though my life depends on it.

I want to propel myself forward, but I don’t know if I have the strength to. Constantly hearing that only can put fuel in my tank.  I’m just tired of having to fill myself up. Tired of trying. I want the black to engulf me…but then I see my free hand and maybe just maybe, I should free my other…

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